What to look for in a therapist

People often tell me they don’t enjoy therapy or haven’t found it helpful, and my answer is: you haven’t found the right therapist.

It’s kind of like dating - you have to check them out, see what’s on their profile (website) and get a feel for them. Maybe have a conversation first, before you go all out and pay hundreds of dollars on a first date (session) only to find out they’re a dud.

I needed to find a new therapist recently (yes, therapists are also human and need help!) and here’s what I looked for.

What do I need support with?

I need support with a relationship that is triggering attachment and trauma-related issues for me. So I look for a therapist who specialises in relationships, attachment healing and understands trauma. If you need support with addiction, or sex and sexuality, or recovery from grief and loss, then look for a therapist with that experience and expertise.

Demographics & values

Demographics matter. In my mind, a therapist who has lived experience and identities similar to mine will possibly understand and support my experience better. As an example, I’ve mainly seen female, spiritually-oriented therapists and they were suitable for my needs at the time. However, this time around, I’ve chosen a male therapist who is neurodivergant, kink, non-monogamy, LGBTIQA+ friendly, who also has clearly written on his profile that he’s anti-oppressive. I know he shares my values and will be able to support my current challenges.

Experience and qualifications

Being a therapist myself, I want to work with a highly experienced therapist, who meets my experience level in personal processing. I’m also interested in how much they work on themselves, and their training and interests, because someone can only take us to the depths of the work they’ve been to themselves. I’m also interested in their approach - do they work top down (eg Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) or bottom up (somatics, gestalt therapy) or both? I need to engage mind and body for therapy to work for me.

Clear and transparent information

I want someone who is clear and transparent about their training and experience, their pricing and their life experience. There’s a lot of folks in the online wellness and coaching world who don’t share about their quals and this is a red flag for me - what are they hiding? I can tell a lot about someone by what they charge for their services and if they share their pricing. To me, hiding pricing sniffs of big-ticket coaching packages and that’s a no from me. In my mind, people who are legit have no problem owning the value of their services, even if the prices are high. If I can see the expertise and the value they bring, and I feel I can get results, I will pay more, because I value efficiency.

Vibe check

I always do a vibe check. Do I feel like moving towards this person, or away from them? This can be tricky if you’re new to the therapy world, or in a particularly vulnerable state - I’ve made choices that were not in my best interest when I was super vulnerable. So if you’re not sure, take your time. Think about a time when your instincts were on point. What did that feel like? And do you have a similar feeling now?

If you’re still not sure, ask if you can have a conversation with them, over the phone or a video call, just to see if they’re a good fit. You’ll get the most out of therapy if you feel safe and comfortable with the person, and don’t have to cross that hurdle in a paid session.

What if I’m still not sure?

This is one of those things! Similar to dating, you can keep looking. Or you can take a risk, and try them out. Therapy is a way we get to play out our relationship patterns, and possibly heal them. As an example, maybe you struggle to commit, and it’s easier to be alone than to open up to someone… you may be likely to keep looking and never find who you’re looking for - a therapist, that is ;) Like any relationship, there’s always a risk when we connect to someone new. But we never know until we try.

Things to look for once you get into a session

Quality of communication

Do they listen and mirror you? Do they ask questions? Or do they talk about themselves a lot? There’s times when a good therapist story is educational, but I’m a space-holder and there’s times where the dynamic has shifted and I feel like they should be paying me.

Empathy, attunement and holding space

Do they pick up on emotions/gestures/statements you haven’t clocked yourself? Do they empathise, understand and care? And related to the above point, does it feel like they are in charge and holding space so you can let go into your process?

I hope these points were helpful.

Let me know in the comments below if there’s anything else you look for in a therapist!