I had one of those magic days last Friday. I had my first sleep-in in over a month; spent the day creating big, beautiful projects with a wonderful friend; and had the most amazing, deep, ecstatic sexy-time with my man. Before I floated off to sleep, as I reflected on the day, I realised it’d been a long time since I’d felt such effortless, peaceful bliss. It was a big realisation for me. My base level is pretty good most days, compared to how I used to feel, but this new feeling took me to the next level.
I asked myself: ‘What would it take for me to feel like this every day?’ How can I feel this overflow of bliss, this joy, this purpose-full, so that I can GIVE effortlessly to my partner instead of need him to fill me sexually, so that I can GIVE to the humans of the world, so that I can BE the light instead of looking for it?
I want to be the light so profoundly and completely that there’s no question in my heart that I’m full.
I want to give spontaneously with delightful abandon.
My needs and desires have changed a lot in the last four months. That day really helped to create positive contrast.
To be honest, most of the time, I feel average. My average seems to be better comparatively than the social norm, but more often than I like to admit, my attitude has been, ‘Gotta go to work to pay my bills to keep myself going.’ I seem to flow from work to home to class to supermarket to kitchen with little passion. I feel like social media makes it really easy to create the appearance of an amazing, joyful life and I, too, select the best moments to share (hello, #instamorning), but these moments don’t last and what I’m left with is a heartfelt desire for MORE.
I feel amazing after I teach, and that is the only thing that’s allowed me to maintain this spark in my heart while I put in the hours to keep myself afloat. I teach what I most need to practice, on the mat, with a room full of strangers… each of us finding our own way, together, in the dark.
Right now, I’m walking in two worlds. One foot is in in the old world of a day’s work for a day’s pay, and the other foot is leading me in the direction of my heart’s desire, my dreams. I go from flatlining to high vibing and around again so many times in the space of a week that I hardly know which way is up.
This in-between stage has taught me so much about what I need and what I want. I’m going to take what I can from this time and really embrace the nitty gritty, the baby steps, the stumbles and the small wins, because this incongruent phase is about to end, and I want to be the best I can be as I move forward.
I am saying YES to my heart’s desires in my plans for the next six months. I’m heading to a yoga festival in India and a tantra retreat in Bali. I’m enrolled in Flourish with Painting & Creativity. I’m teaching yoga at workshops and co-hosting several events with co- conspirators. In three weeks, I’ll be living on my own, in my own Zen Garden. My life is being created by design and it feels bloody brilliant.
I choose to see opportunity and potential and SPACE where I used to see problems, uncertainty and hesitations.
I’m finally practicing patience, trusting in Divine timing.